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Nov 08, 2009 (Detroit Free Press - McClatchy-Tribune Information Services via COMTEX) -- Detroit to invasion forces: You hiring?

BY RON DZWONKOWSKI

FREE PRESS COLUMNIST

Downtown Detroit was rocked in recent weeks by explosions, gunfire and other carryings-on being filmed for the movie "Red Dawn," a remake of the 1984 flick about a foreign army invading the United States and meeting fierce resistance from a band of brave -- and heavily armed -- teenagers.

I don't know where the remake will be set, but I do know that if such an invasion happened in the Michigan of today, it wouldn't be much of a movie.

Imagine the reaction of our infamously hostile drivers to a column of foreign troops marching south on I-75 at, say, 7:30 a.m.? "Oh, what the heck is this ... a work crew? Must be the drunken drivers from last weekend.

"What happened to the orange vests? Huh, guess they're letting them carry guns now. Not a bad idea. Hey, you missed that plastic bag! Why doncha pull the weeds?

"Get over, get over. I'm late for work. ... Oh for the love of ... What? Surrender? Yah, surrender this, buddy! Get over!"

At the top of a freeway ramp, the column encounters a man with a small, cardboard sign: "Will work for food."

"We are the occupying army," says the commander.

"You hiring?" sign guy asks.

Advice from the top cop

By now, Detroit Police Chief Warren Evans has arrived.

"We want a list of all registered gun owners," says the commander.

"Me, too," says the chief. "But that's only going to get you maybe a quarter of what's out there. ... Hey, if you're going to be marching around here after dark, I'd keep those helmets on." And Evans drives off, in pursuit of a suspect.

After being forced to march around three construction delays, the column arrives at city hall.

"You the demolition crew?" asks Mayor Dave Bing. "Pretty impressive. I only sent the request to Washington on Wednesday. Here's the list. I didn't know you used cannons. Whatever works, huh? The Packard Plant is a good place to start. Need directions?"

"Wait," says the commander. "You are conquered by hostile forces."

"What, the unions?" says Bing. "Tell that to the voters. Now get busy before I renegotiate your contract, too. ... Hey, if you're going to be here overnight, the Manoogian's open. By the way, we got a lot of people out of work. You hiring?"

Calling on Washington

Frustrated, the commander unholsters a satphone and gets through to the White House.

"Tell the president," he shouts into the receiver. "We are in Mee-shee-gan, and we are in charge."

He is put on hold for three minutes before a White House aide comes on the line.

"The president has been wondering who was," the aide says. "What will you need? More stimulus money?"

Exasperated, the commander says, "We are seizing this state in the name of the People's Republic." He is put back on hold for a few minutes before the aide returns.

"The president is OK with that," he says. "If we can wall it off, that will lower the national unemployment rate. We're going to barricade it at the Ohio, Indiana and Wisconsin lines. Good stimulus project. You'll see the signs.

"Oh, and do what you can with the bridge to Canada. Not ours. Good luck with that guy. ... By the way, the Michigan senators are asking, you hiring?"

Now totally exasperated, the hostile commander rolls his column up I-96 to Lansing, where he confronts Gov. Jennifer Granholm. He winces slightly at her firm handshake.

"What do you need?" Granholm asks. "Tax credits? Refunds? A big empty building? How's your water situation? We got lots. ... You are hiring, right?"

"We are taking over!" growls the commander.

"Finally," says the governor, sliding a stack of ledgers across her desk. "You can start with the budget."

RON DZWONKOWSKI is associate editor of the Free Press. Contact him at dzwonk@freepress.com or 313-222-6635.

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Ron Dzwonkowski

Copyright (C) 2009, Detroit Free Press

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